Have you ever wondered about the types of extreme anger?
I can think of two.
There is the raging, explosive red hot anger. Something or someone has enraged you so much that you feel like screaming, punching that person or thing or anything in sight at all (preferably breakable). You want to break glasses and dishes by smashing them in their face, on the wall, on the floor. You want your knuckles to feel the crushing of their jaw and cheekbones, feel their weight as you haul them up on your shoulders and throw them on the wall or just bang them on the floor. And keep doing that till they go limp.
And then there is the anger that exists solely because you realize you can't do any of the above or it just doesn't feel adequate. You feel impotent, helpless and very very angry - at yourself, at them, at every fucking thing that has happened till now. But you don't explode. Instead your mind and core and all those feelings consolidate into a cold dark ball. It keeps reducing in size till it fits neatly into the deepest recess of your innards such that it can no longer be seen from the outside. It is dark not because of ashes accumulating on it's surface, but because the anger itself has turned black. You are now reaching into the corners of your soul you didn't know existed. On the outside, you are going about your routine. You are smiling, you are a kind, generous, genial fellow. But you've learned to tame your anger. It's there, and you might occasionally need to remind even yourself about it, but it's there. It is now a part of you. No one else can see or understand it. You don't care if they don't, in fact you don't want them to. This is what you've changed into now and this is what will direct what you will do. You've tamed and are using your anger now.
I can think of two.
There is the raging, explosive red hot anger. Something or someone has enraged you so much that you feel like screaming, punching that person or thing or anything in sight at all (preferably breakable). You want to break glasses and dishes by smashing them in their face, on the wall, on the floor. You want your knuckles to feel the crushing of their jaw and cheekbones, feel their weight as you haul them up on your shoulders and throw them on the wall or just bang them on the floor. And keep doing that till they go limp.
And then there is the anger that exists solely because you realize you can't do any of the above or it just doesn't feel adequate. You feel impotent, helpless and very very angry - at yourself, at them, at every fucking thing that has happened till now. But you don't explode. Instead your mind and core and all those feelings consolidate into a cold dark ball. It keeps reducing in size till it fits neatly into the deepest recess of your innards such that it can no longer be seen from the outside. It is dark not because of ashes accumulating on it's surface, but because the anger itself has turned black. You are now reaching into the corners of your soul you didn't know existed. On the outside, you are going about your routine. You are smiling, you are a kind, generous, genial fellow. But you've learned to tame your anger. It's there, and you might occasionally need to remind even yourself about it, but it's there. It is now a part of you. No one else can see or understand it. You don't care if they don't, in fact you don't want them to. This is what you've changed into now and this is what will direct what you will do. You've tamed and are using your anger now.
