Around the time you 'hit the wall' during the latter half of a marathon, the way you think changes.
The discomfort, exhaustion, pain, the compelling urge to go on and give up at the same time, the noticeable lack of people around you make you realize how alone you really are.
At that point, your friends, family, teammates, other runners, your dog, nobody can really understand where you are mentally. Even if some of them do, there's really nothing they can do about it. That's a sort of unique thing about long distance running. Your performance depends mostly on you. How others perform or support you becomes irrelevant. It's you,all alone.
Once you 'get' how alone you really are, there are several things your mind starts processing. One is, what I believe most people end up doing, is to think positively. Hope, optimism, determination, courage(?), grit, just pushing through it, willpower. All those positive desirable traits show up. This becomes easier if your personality at baseline is of that sort.
Occasionally however, the darker side of your personality can show up. The constant discomfort turns you into a snarling beast internally. Someone who is immune to the good charm and bonhomie that was around him just some time ago. Who is focused on only one thing. Pushing and punishing himself till this is done.
The discomfort, exhaustion, pain, the compelling urge to go on and give up at the same time, the noticeable lack of people around you make you realize how alone you really are.
At that point, your friends, family, teammates, other runners, your dog, nobody can really understand where you are mentally. Even if some of them do, there's really nothing they can do about it. That's a sort of unique thing about long distance running. Your performance depends mostly on you. How others perform or support you becomes irrelevant. It's you,all alone.
Once you 'get' how alone you really are, there are several things your mind starts processing. One is, what I believe most people end up doing, is to think positively. Hope, optimism, determination, courage(?), grit, just pushing through it, willpower. All those positive desirable traits show up. This becomes easier if your personality at baseline is of that sort.
Occasionally however, the darker side of your personality can show up. The constant discomfort turns you into a snarling beast internally. Someone who is immune to the good charm and bonhomie that was around him just some time ago. Who is focused on only one thing. Pushing and punishing himself till this is done.
Reading this made me feel like I was going through all the pain and exhaustion of training for a marathon. It's true about life in general, only the time frame is longer and there are so many other things that fight for our attention.
ReplyDeleteI, on the other hand, am trying to practice non-striving, non-reacting, acceptance, indifference. If the goal is external, this is pure negativity. But for self-realization, this is effective. The 'I' we take ourselves to be is just an idea, a false idea. The real 'I' is continuous, the only thing that is continuous in this Universe.
Thanks for reading. I'm glad it made you feel something. Evoking a reaction, especially if it is positive, is a precious thing for anybody who writes.
ReplyDeleteYour idea of 'I' sounds very much like nondualism. Is that the case or am I completely off the mark? Also, how are you trying to do this? It sounds a bit ironic when I ask it that way (Trying to 'not try'/be indifferent) but I'm asking about specific practices that help you accept or be disinterested.
Yes, advaita. Basically, trying to be attentive to the nothingness, the stillness, the awareness -- that which never comes or goes, that which has no story; almost feels like death. It helps when we try not to change anything and just accept everything -- just observing with indifference.
DeleteFor instance, observe the inner chatter that plays on the tongue and once it subsides, observe the silence that replaces it -- silence is continuous, chatter isn't!